考自己的古－《選科》

今天整理電腦檔案時找到這個我十二年前寫下的東東，拿出來與大家分享。

Transcript: Amanda Todd's Story - Struggling, Bullying, Suicide, Self Harm, Fighting

Six weeks ago Amanda Todd posted a silent video pleading for help. One week ago she hung herself. Copies of this video and reactions to it is all over YouTube; just search. But it is interesting there isn't a text transcript to it. So here it is, normalized. She was a teen after all - I'll pardon her English and just fix it in the full transcript below.


Hello! I've decided to tell you about my never ending story.
In 7th grade I would go with friends on webcam, meet and talk to new people.
Then got called stunning, beautiful, perfect, etc...
Then wanted me to flash...
So I did...
1 year later...
I got a message on facebook from him... Don't know how he knew me.
It said...
If you don't put on a show for me I will send your boobs.
He knew my address, school, relatives, family names.
Christmas break...
Knock at my door at 4am...
It was the police... my photo was sent to everyone.
I then got really sick and got... anxiety, major depression and panic disorder.
I then moved and got into drugs + alcohol.
My anxiety got worse... couldn't go out.
A year past and the guy came back with my new list of friends and school. But made a facebook page
My boobs were his profile pic...
Cried every night, lost all my friends and respect people had for me... again...
Then nobody liked me, name calling, judged...
I can never get that photo back.
It's out there forever...
I started cutting...
I promised myself never again...
Didn't have any friends and I sat at lunch alone
so I moved schools again...
Everything was better even though I sat still alone at lunch in the library everyday.
After a month later I started talking to an old guy friend
We back and forth texted and he started to say he liked me...
Led me on. He had a girlfriend
then he said come over my girlfriend's on vacation.
So I did... huge mistake...
He hooked up with me...
I thought he liked me...
1 week later I get a text, "get out of your school..."
His girlfriend and 15 others came including himself...
The girl and 2 others just said, "look around nobody likes you" in front of my new school (50) people.
A guy then yelled "just punch her already."
So she did... She threw me to the ground and punched me several times.
Kids filmed it. I was all alone and left on the ground.
I felt like a joke in this world... I thought nobody deserve this :/
I was alone... I lied and said it was my fault and my idea.
I didn't want him getting hurt, I thought he really liked me but he just wanted the sex... Someone yelled "punch her already."
Teachers ran over but I just went and laid in a ditch and my dad found me.
I wanted to die so bad... when he brought me home I drank bleach...
It killed me inside and I thought I was gonna actually die.
Ambulance came and brought me to the hospital and flushed me.
After I got home all I saw was an facebook - "She deserved it, did you wash the mud out of your hair? - I hope she's dead."
Nobody cared. I moved away to another city to my mom's.
Another school... I didn't wanna press charges because I wanted to move on.
6 months has gone by... people are pasting pics of bleach, Clorex and ditches
tagging me... I was doing a lot better too... They said...
She should try a different bleach. I hope she dies this time and isn't so stupid.
They said I hope she sees this and kills herself...
Why do I get this? I messed up but why follow me...
I left your guys city... I'm constantly crying now...
Everyday I think why am I still here?
My anxiety is horrible now. never went out this summer.
All from my past... life's never getting better... cant go to school,
meet or be with people... constantly cutting... I'm really depressed.
I'm on antidepressants now and counselling and a month ago this summer
I overdosed... In hospital for 2 days...
I'm stuck... whats left of me now... nothing stops.
I have nobody... I need someone :(
My name is Amanda Todd.

轉：給高登作家們的一些話

昨天在高登講故台讀到其中一位絲打對其他同是寫手們的意見，我覺得很有意思，在此跟各位分享。此話應該放諸四海皆準，並不只是高登獨有的現象。


《給高登作家們的一些話》
葵倩鈴

小妹只是個不斷寫作，又不斷被無視的高登絲打。
共勉之。

在網上連載小說，多見高登作家因群眾壓力而更改結局，甚至落荒而逃，直接「走數」。

在網絡上，每個人都是鍵盤戰士，打出來的字就是武器，傷人不花力氣也不用成本，所以所謂「上高登，勿認真」。

從事創作及藝術行業的人都該心胸廣闊，大器地欣然接受批評，根據市場意見和反應來反省作品的好壞，再作出應有的改善。

若執著，心理就不能平衡。

奈何很難如聖人般寬宏，自問還沒能看破紅塵和完全平靜內心，依然還有點重尊嚴的傲氣。

在心智被鍛鍊足夠前，多少還是會被個人感受影響。老實說，被如利劍的惡口血盆大罵，再怎麼不在乎還是會疼。

於是，很多創作人都過著我行我素的生活，不管外面風吹雨打，不理被誰莫名臭罵，寫得開心就好。

可是，寫網絡小說的人均逃避不了，必須正視所有褒或貶，因為我們總要回到這個平台。

網絡自由撰稿人，很自由又沒約束，但無形壓力無處不在。

自己抽空寫寫還算樂得清靜，可一旦上載到網上，受讀者歡迎便興奮又緊張。

有人花時間讀自己寫的字確實振奮，但這是有代價的。

上班又上學還要定期免費吐幾千字出來，為了不負眾望便熬夜通宵，對著屏幕和紙筆發呆，寫完又刪，刪完再寫……

好了，寫完又要準備被評語搧幾巴掌，還絕無資格抱怨，「食得咸魚抵得渴」嘛，覺得辛苦自然想放棄，於是有了「走數」和故事被「騎劫」的情況出現。

獨自完成一部小說並非易事，有寫作過的人都該知道當靈感已達瓶頸時，人焦躁得不得了。

小妹是個非常三分鐘熱度的人，到了現在還未想放棄其實算是個奇蹟。

前幾天和朋友外出，他好奇地問我怎麼不寫政治時事，不把理智放在評論大事上，總是寫些有的沒的、情情愛愛的文章，又不寫那些懸疑像「紅Van」的故事，寫的戰鬥故裡又沒有喪屍，說不夠吸引。

那時真想甩他一句「關你屁事」，不過我只是笑而不語。

不回答是因為問題太滑稽，就像高登仔一直要求「重甜」一樣滑稽──無論任何時代背景，無論任何人物設定，無論任何故事架構，總之一律「加甜」。

他們需求你就供應，這不是創作，是一場交易。

所以，好吧，不改動故事大綱，不給女主角加對豪乳，不加設床戲了……

還未寫完，伯母就已經被熱烈問候。

好吧，那惟有屍故變「甜故」，「極甜」救老母，然後又被另一批智者鄙視。

讀到這裡，相信已有對號入座的人想回覆來Hi我。


總不能同時取悅所有人。

百貨應百客，於是，總會有人看不上你的作品。

無論你寫甚麼，能惹來好感就必有反感。

不能作出抉擇去討好任何一方時，那就看自己心意吧。

創作就是這樣──沒標準。若記不起最初選擇創作路時之目的，那不如不寫，反正作品都已缺靈魂。

有讀書的人都會寫字，但會寫字的人都不一定是作家。

這你認為是普通邏輯，但其實還有許多人不理解此話。

簡單舉個例──那些在Instagram上幾分鐘更新一次的港女，拿著iPhone隨便拍下一隻咖啡杯，加點效果就是攝影師，加幾句感性的話便成了哲學家，穿件小背心露那麼丁點兒乳溝還要打上馬賽克的叫模特，多拍十幾張照片可能還能出寫真集。

明明很無謂，但港女們卻都舉著V字手，笑得燦爛地無視我們的反感，這是為啥？──有市場。

你在這邊罵港女，那邊就有MK仔走過去大聲笑輕聲說。

這便是以上提及的那普通邏輯──有iPhone的人能拍照，但能拍照的人不一定是攝影師……

相信你應該懂我的意思。

於是，有市場不代表些什麼，重點是作品的價值所在。

所以，嘗試堅持原來的寫作態度，嘗試不隨波逐流。

我寫小品，自得其樂。

我只是個普通的高登絲打，人生經驗淺薄，無資格高談闊論評世事，亦不能保證絕無語病 。

但一天不寫寫文章手便癢得難耐，所以每逢空閒就寫千幾字，能感染別人就最理想，但即便無人注意，也能樂在其中。

能被賞識不輕易，遇到伯樂很難得，即便還沒遇到，你們也不是孤身一人，在埋頭苦幹的不只你一個。

我們都有夢。

所以，都熬到現在了就別那麼容易放棄。

寫作路艱澀又漫長，當累積經驗吧，反正寫作本身就需要經驗。

Is Hongville a sign of things to come in Hong Kong?

I came across a post on HKGolden, around the time when protests against national education in Hong Kong was in full swing. It was written as a fiction, but so many real life topics, incidents and phenomenons have been covered, and knowing the current state of things in mainland China, even the fictional or future part of the essay sounds plausible.

It was so insightful I decided to attempt a translation for sharing. Feel free to pass this along. Translation after first break. Some references, copyright terms and source after the translation.

Do you want to see Hong Kong becoming the Hongville thus described? I don't. If you do not come out, speak out, and take a stand against things you think are wrong now, while you still can, it may be too late when you personally become subject of these wrongs.

How I fixed the IBus Cangjie IME table for good on Fuduntu

I type a lot of Chinese on my computer. I first learned Cangjie in my teens, and it has been my primary input method to this day. After reinstalling Fuduntu on my new laptop, imagine my despair that as I type up Chinese passages, Cangjie codes for common characters - that I have mostly taken for granted - suddenly becomes unrecognized. To add insult to injury, the Cangjie 3 table in SCIM has all these codes in there.

In Linux Cangjie is supported by SCIM (and later IBus) by their table engines. There are three versions of Cangjie tables - Cangjie 3, Cangjie 5, and "Cangjie-big" which covers characters in Unicode extension B block, where many written Cantonese characters belong, and which I handle a lot of. So at one time I have had all three tables loaded, and have had to flip between all of them in the course of typing up one passage. It is a nuisance and hampers my speed.

So I have a solution: Merge them into one master table and load it instead. Bring everything under one umbrella.

Unfortunately, for some reason, when I checked the fuduntu repo I was missing the ibus-table package, needed to build new table-based IMEs. I had to compile my own. Good news is you can get the source RPM from the newest Fedora, rebuild it on fuduntu, and install it. I'll leave it as an exercise for you, for now.

是他也是你和我 － 你想香港變成咁嗎?

看見中國今天的模樣，真的不想見到香港淪為另一個中國城市。

昨天在香港高登讀到一篇很有意思的文章，彷彿揭示了香港的未來。但這種未來是你想見到，香港的未來嗎？老實說，這不是我想見到的未來。各位，趁還可以的時候，要出來表達自己的聲音，不合理的要堅決反對。不要沉默，不然到一切已成定局時，你我他都無力回天。

Music to the Ears of Computational Libertarians Like Me - Dell Gives Linux Laptops Another Chance

My HP tx1000 laptop died. I figured its northbridge may have unseated itself once again. Having already done the heat gun reflow trick on it once, I should now look at a replacement laptop.

This post at TechCrunch made me cheer.

If this Windows-less Dell XPS13 does come to fruition, I am definitely getting one.

I hate the way Microsoft does its things, I hate UEFI secure boot being made essentially mandatory, and I like having the choice to put whatever I want on my laptop.Not to mention I don't like paying for something that I don't use.

By the way, I posted a Chinese translation of the TechCrunch post above (translated by yours truly) on HKGolden.

那夜凌晨，我在為幾個高登故做打包

還有一個凌晨，熱爆高登的小說《那夜凌晨，我坐上了旺角開往大埔的紅van》就會刊出大結局，完成近五個月的連載。

近來許多個凌晨，我也在為高登講故台的故事製作打包。所謂「打包」，就是將網上刊登的文章收集起來，集中於一個文檔內方便閱讀；而這個文檔亦稱為「打包」。而我從首度登陸高登講故台起，短短兩個月內就已經(或正在)為五個故事製作打包。


而我製作打包，必定會審校一次，並非只單單將原作者於高登發佈的文章結集便了事。因為即使講故台不乏好作家、好故事，但口語多，錯字更多，令人看了倒胃口。其實高登相當開放，單單瀏覽是不用註冊的，而註冊的也要有上網公司電郵(即是不能用hotmail, yahoo, gmail電郵登記)，就算成功註冊，審校結集上載亦費時費心，幹嗎自找麻煩，結集修正後自奉不好嗎。


我曾經在高登留言指出我是以「掃蕩錯字為己任」，其實更希望見到的是我以後再回到講故台，可以看到讀得舒服，不會教壞年輕一代(也即「中學雞」甚至「小學雞」)的文章。現時還沒有在講故台見到一篇能完全達到此程度的故事，所以縱使艱巨，我還是要負上這「神聖」使命。


那我何德何能呢？大學期間我參與過中文學生報的編輯及製作，做的就是中文打字兼校對。現在則有幾個參考網站和兩本字典傍身，務求所有的改都有根有據。我可不想被拆招牌。

講故台同時出現的故事絕不少於十數個，我不可能全部都插手。有些是僅數千字的散文，沒有「結集」的需要，有些口味不對(例如我不會碰俗稱「PKM故」的《寵物小精靈》同人故事)，有些已有其他網友出手，有些錯得太多改不來，有些可能連作者本身都不想要打包(這倒反而少見，寫中長篇的網友見到有人仗義幫手都會很感謝的)或者自己已結集好，所以只能精選一些題材新鮮，錯處不太多的，給他們一個修正過的打包，希望作者和讀者都能從中學習。


最後，我知道審校打包做得再多，但要真正在講故台立足，還是要有自己的故事。或者多打幾個包後，能總結出最常見的語病錯字等，再包裝成寓教於樂的故事刊登會相當有趣。

六四被AKB48《目擊者》講中了，歌也被我收下了

前兩天爬高登時事台，找到這麼一段片。它將六四燭光晚會的片段剪接到AKB48的《目擊者》，並配上中日對照字幕。我看完這條片，再找回最初在 AKB48 team A 6th stage 公演時的片段對照，發覺它公演時雖然是配以柏林圍牆倒下的片段，但照搬去講六四竟然出奇地 match，太神奇了吧。

老實講，在此之前我是沒聽過任何AKB48的歌，只是知道有這麼一個組合，更不知道這組合原來多人到要分四隊還不止，將甚麼 Morning 娘、少女時代、甚至未分拆的 Cookies 等都通通比下去。這都是後來查維基才知道的。

不過，撇開歌詞不談（據說這是AKB48第一首有政治訊息的歌），這首歌真的好聽，所以我亦終於收藏了第一首AKB歌。

New age group, new blog, new content outlet for me

In a few days, I will be 35.

In market research, age 35 is the start of the next older age bracket. I am about to exit the 25-34 group, supposedly the most sought after demographic when you need a survey done. Long story short, despite having been a long-time holdout of social media, blogs, tweets, wiki and the like, this is a big enough milestone to make having a 21st Century net presence worthwhile. So here it is - my first blog and blog post. (Yet, I still don't want to sign up with facebook.)

When it comes to posting stuff online, I had done it before. I started a site on Tonde Buurin back in 1996 or 1997, first on the web space provided the CS department, then GeoCities. Yes, I am that old. Unfortunately full time work stripped me of time to maintain it, and it fell into disrepair. Then Yahoo went downhill, taking GeoCities with it. I have a name for it, and a domain name to go with it, but the cheapskate in me decided to host it in my home, meaning uptime is a big question, and of course, no attempts to promote its new identity.

Here is where I'll put out new things - in English and Chinese, sometimes both - and bring in textual contents from Tonde Buurin Central as a backup, knowing this place should be around for a long time, I hope.

Well, that's all for now.